I have autism and ADHD, and here's how I keep my shit together

Or at least, how I try to

The algorithms have figured me out, I fear.

From TikTok to Instagram to Pinterest, my feeds have long been inundated with picture-perfect posts about cleaning, organization, meal prep, and other “life hacks” promising to revolutionize my routine and elevate my very existence, as though I’m just one DIY sock drawer organizer away from becoming my best self.

Yet no matter how many social media posts I screenshotted or otherwise ~saved for later~ with seemingly simple steps I could take to optimize my life…. time and again, here I still was! living sub-optimally!! surviving not thriving!!!

And it took an ADHD and autism diagnosis for me to (finally) understand why.

The total bullshit unique challenges I experience with co-occurring ADHD and autism

First, a bit of background about ADHD and autism, because I’m tired of people rolling their eyes and assuming I’m hopping on a TikTok trend when I talk about being neurodivergent (sources are linked below).

• “Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are both highly heritable neurodevelopmental disorders. Evidence indicates both disorders co-occur with a high frequency, in 20-50% of children with ADHD meeting criteria for ASD and in 30-80% of ASD children meeting criteria for ADHD.”

• ”People who have traits that stretch across both autism and ADHD diagnoses often face more serious challenges than people with either diagnosis alone: They can have greater impairments in adaptive functioning, a term that refers to self-care and daily living skills, and more severe social and cognitive issues.”

• “Since the world is not set up for autistic and ADHD brains, many people with either or both diagnoses need support for daily living, work, finances, or other areas. Traditionally, ‘treatment’ for autism and ADHD has emphasized making the person act or appear neurotypical rather than supporting their needs. This has led to increased burnout and trauma symptoms and is increasingly discouraged.”

So, what does all of this actually look like when you translate it from textbooks to real-life people living out in the world AuDHD? Well, lemme tell ya!

Sometimes my autism and ADHD team up

Obviously, I’m not a medical professional — this section is just based on my own life as an AuDHDer — but here are a few ways that these dual diagnoses overlap for me:

• Sensory sensitivities: Lights are too bright, smells are too intense, noises are too loud (or repetitive) ((or overlapping)), if I touch that particular fabric I will feel like I’m on fire, if one of my shoes is tied more tightly than the other then I can’t focus on what you’re saying to me, etc.

• Executive (dys)function: I want to do the thing, and I’ve been sitting here thinking about how I should do the thing, but I legitimately cannot get myself to do the thing, and I’m not even enjoying the not-doing of the thing, I’m just anxious about how much the thing needs to get done, but I CANNOT MAKE MYSELF DO THE THING (and yet from the outside, I just look like I’m lying down and staring into the abyss)

• Hyperfixations: Abruptly and without warning I get a burst of motivation to deep-dive into a task or topic and I’m unable to stop doing that thing, even if my body needs to get up and stretch or drink water or eat something or go to the bathroom, because ALL THAT MATTERS is doing the thing, and I will keep going until the thing is done (or until my hypnotic hyper focus spell is broken and I abandon the thing only to find myself back at square one with executive dysfunction and am never able to do the thing again)

Other times my autism and ADHD butt heads

Conversely, here are some of the annoying contradictions I regularly experience when my ADHD and autism are at odds with one another:

• My autism: Craves predictability and routine

• My ADHD: Is driven by novelty and spontaneity

• My autism: Wants every step to be followed perfectly as it’s written

• My ADHD: Accidentally skips over or forgets steps in plans or recipes

• My autism: Is frustrated when someone else is late

• My ADHD: Has trouble being on time

• My autism: Needs order and structure

• My ADHD: Struggles to stay organized

The result: chronic overwhelm, meltdowns, and burnout

As a late-diagnosis AuDHDer, I’ve spent decades feeling like I have to fight against myself to do things that are good for me.

And I don’t just mean, like, flossing or paying taxes or taking out the garbage or other icky things none of us really want to do but know that we have to do.

I’m also talking about things I actively want to do, like remembering to eat meals or following through on plans to meet up with friends or using all the fancy beauty products I painstakingly picked out for my daily skincare routine.

These constant battles within my brain and body (meaning both the standoffs between my autism and ADHD and those times that the two team up against my responsibilities or best interests) over the years have led not just to meltdowns, but to burnout. And not just to burnout, but to autistic burnout, explained as follows:

”It is suggested that autistic burnout is caused by the stress of masking and living in an unaccommodating neurotypical world… The definition describes autistic burnout as a condition involving exhaustion, withdrawal, problems with thinking, reduced daily living skills and increases in the manifestation of autistic traits.”

Twitter user @meghasomething posted, “Undiagosed neurodivergence is like being handed a video game that has been set to hard mode, but having people tell you over and over, ‘it’s on easy, why do you keep dying?’ Diagnosis is learning the game is on hard mode. It doesn’t make it easier, but you can strategize.”

A 10/10 description, because seeing a neuropsychologist and getting my ASD and ADHD diagnosis — along with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and complex post-traumatic stress syndrome (C-PTSD), because at this point my list of health conditions is like a can of alphabet soup — really did feel like learning that my life was set to hard mode.

Being told that there wasn’t something inherently and inexplicably wrong with me was a massive relief after a lifetime of self-loathing, and I was ready to start strategizing.

How I work with my autism and ADHD, not against them

That whole lengthy introduction to say: standard advice about how to stay on top of housework, health and fitness goals, personal relationships, and more simply does not work for neurodivergent brains.

Meaning that no matter how many social media posts I optimistically save for future reference, realistically, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be able to implement those “super simple hacks anyone can do!” in my daily life.

What I will be able to implement are strategies designed with neurodivergent brains in mind. In my case — and again, I’m not a medical professional, I’m just a writer with a weird brain you stumbled upon on the internet — I strategize by:

• Taking ADHD and anxiety medication daily: After a lot of trial and error, this works for me! I can’t tell you if it would or wouldn’t work for you! Talk to your doctor!

• Making detailed to-do lists breaking down each step required to complete each task: For example, if I just write “do laundry” on my to-do list, I’m likely to check it off once I’ve loaded my clothes in the washer — and forget to return to take them out of the washer to dry, then to put away the dry clothes. If I write each step out separately, then I have a visual reminder to return to the next step in the process when the time comes.

• Setting timers and reminders: In the example above, I’d set one timer for when the laundry will need to be removed from the washer and a second timer for when the dry laundry will be ready to put away. I’d also create a weekly reminder to do my laundry in the first place, setting it up so I get a notification each week on the same day at the same time.

• Leaning on technology for support: For both timers and reminders, I use my iPhone — the Clock app and Reminders app, respectively — to ensure that I get those notifications not just on my phone, but on my laptop and Apple Watch, too. If I don’t have my phone on me (like when I’m cooking and my hands are full), I’ll ask our Google Home to set a timer or reminder for me instead. Or if I’m having a totally tech-free day, I’ll use my analog visual timer instead.

• Putting everything on the calendar: If it’s not in my Google Calendar, I am absolutely not going to remember that it’s happening. Not just work stuff or doctor’s appointments or birthdays, but also phone call catch-ups with family, plans with friends, yoga classes I’ve booked, or even just things I might like to do with my free time and want to be sure I can fit into my schedule. I also adjusted my Google Calendar settings to remind me an hour before, 30 minutes before, 5 minutes before, and 1 minute before an event begins, because if I’m in hyperfocus mode, the AuDHD time-blindness means I will absolutely forget that a meeting is happening. I’ve missed more than I care to count, and the shame is real.

• Making loose plans instead of hard commitments: Unfortunately, my brain and I aren’t always on the same page about things, which means sometimes I end up having to cancel plans at the last minute and feeling like a complete jerk about it. While I can’t control that about myself, what I can control is pursuing and prioritizing friendships with people who are kind, flexible, and understanding; letting them know about these challenges in advance and setting expectations; and making loose plans instead of hard commitments to reduce social anxiety all around.

• Taking the easy way out when I can: Freezer meals, protein shakes, and pre-chopped veggies make it easier to get the nutrients I need when I can’t get myself to cook dinner from scratch. Face wipes, mouthwash, and dry shampoo help me feel less gross on the really bad days when I can’t get myself to wash my face, brush my teeth, or shower. When things are hard, meet yourself where you are. If you are fortunate enough to have the means to minimize your stressors by outsourcing some of the work that would otherwise overwhelm you, by all means, do so, and save your time and energy for the most necessary tasks — and the most enjoyable ones, too, because you deserve joy!

• Pairing things I don’t want to do with things I do want to do: If I don’t feel like going for a walk, I do it while listening to the latest episode of my favorite podcast. If I can’t get myself to return those packages at the post office, I promise myself I can pick up an iced coffee on the way over. If I dread the sensory ick of showering, but I love to sing, I can put my go-to karaoke playlist on a waterproof Bluetooth speaker.

• Doing the easiest things first: Doing hard things requires a lot of dopamine that my neurodivergent brain doesn’t always have first thing in the morning. Doing easy things not only requires less dopamine for task initiation, but produces a li’l dopamine hit once I’ve checked the easy thing off of my to-do list. The more easy things I work through, the more dopamine I’m able to build up, until I’m finally equipped to take on some of the hard things. This is why morning routines are so crucial for neurodivergent folks, too (should I do a whole post on that, maybe?) and why I’m such a stickler for mine.

• Recognizing and rewarding myself: Clearly, doing hard things is… hard. Even harder for the dopamine-deficient among us. So I reward myself after I do a hard thing. A piece of chocolate for finishing a writing assignment. 20 minutes of scrolling time for cleaning the bathroom. Dog snuggles for submitting my expenses at work. A nap for making it through a long Zoom meeting. But before I enjoy whatever the reward is, I take a moment to say to myself — or to say out loud to my partner — “I just did this thing, and it was hard, but I’m proud of myself for doing it.” It makes the reward that much sweeter, and it makes it more likely that my brain will make a connection between doing the thing and enjoying the reward.

• Giving myself time to just be: Try as I might, I cannot optimize myself into a neurotypical person. My autism and ADHD want what they want, and sometimes what they want is messy and misaligned with what I think would be best for me, but sometimes it’s easier to let them take the reins than to fight against it. To spend a day fully unmasked on the couch with my dog in my most sensory-friendly pajamas, reading a good book and twirling around my Tangle fidget and drinking my favorite tea and eating my favorite take-out order and napping until I feel well-rested and nourished and ready to get back to my never-ending to-do list.

If you’re an AuDHDer (or love someone who is), what has helped you work with your neurodivergence instead of against it?

I am but one of many, I know — so tell me, how do you keep your shit together as a person with autism and ADHD? And if the answer is that you don’t, good news: I don’t always keep my shit together, either. And that’s what couch rotting is for.