This wasn’t what I was supposed to write about this week.
I have a list of topics already planned out—a schedule of what I’d like to write each week through the end of June and a content strategy to keep subscribers of this Substack interested and engaged. I was fully prepared to stick to the plan.
Then my mom called to tell me that my grandma was in an ambulance on her way to the emergency room, and the plan went out the window.
I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions. They appear on my face without waiting for my permission and weave themselves into my writing whether I’d like them to or not. Realizing that any attempt to fake enthusiasm about the ideal Amsterdam weekend itinerary would be futile, I decided to pivot to a topic that felt more authentically aligned with my mental and emotional state, a part of the whole “living abroad” fantasy that isn’t talked about enough:
How terrifying, painful, and nerve-wracking it is to be far away from your loved ones when there’s an emergency—and how to prepare for a long-distance crisis ahead of time and how to deal with it in the moment.
And more broadly speaking, meaningful ways to stay connected with family and friends when you don’t live in the same place.
How to prepare for a long-distance crisis ahead of time
This is one of those rare situations in which my anxiety, over-planning nature, and general extra-ness actually come in handy. I’m so glad I’d already done the below before I got that phone call—and heaven forbid you ever get a call like that, you’ll be glad you took the time to, too.
Learn each other’s love languages
Call me woo-woo if you want to, but I think this is vital if you want to make someone feel loved or supported.
It means you’ll know whether your loved one would prefer it if you sent them a care package, if you made sure that every task on their to-do list was taken care of, or if you sent them a thoughtful message to let them know that you’re there for them.
What you would want from them if the situation were reversed may not be what they want from you—which is why it’s important to know what you can actually do to make them feel loved and supported by you. Otherwise, your loving gestures may not make the impact you hope they will.
For example, if I were in crisis, I’d be grateful if someone else took care of canceling and rescheduling everything in my calendar (acts of service) or sent me a sweet and supportive text (words of affirmation), but I know my Nana is much more likely to appreciate a bouquet of flowers (giving and receiving gifts).
Take the quiz. Ask the people you care about to take it, too. Then talk about your results so you know how to support each other when you need it most.
Make Personal Emergency Guides (PEGs)
The original blog post Can We Make PEGs A Thing? puts it like this:
You know how we say, "Please let us know if you need anything," to people in pain? And how that's just putting the burden on *them* to tell us how to help, right when they're least capable of thinking straight? I think we can agree that doesn't work.
But what if we each had a list: a Personal Emergency Guide. A PEG. And on this list, just like a medical ID bracelet or an In Case of Emergency notice, we could record how and when, and to what extent our friends and family can help during a crisis.
Obviously, you'd have to fill out this list before there's trouble, when you're clear-headed, but once it's done you can invoke your PEG at any time on social media. Even better, post it now, so others can reference it as needed.
So what goes on a PEG? Any and everything you'd want to know about your friends when you're trying to help them feel better. You'll want to tailor your PEG to fit; these are just some basics to get you started.
Remember this is for emotional emergencies, though, not every day. Think about how you cope with fear and bad news and sadness, and about what's helped in the past.
In the same vein, don't assume you already know what your friends need; everyone is different, and pain changes things. That friend who hugs everyone may want space, or the distant, cynical one may want company - you never know, and only they can tell you for sure.
Culture Study author Anne Helen Petersen takes it a step further in A Shortcut for Caring for Others (and Being Cared For Yourself), creating a Google Form that you can adapt to create your own PEG. She writes:
If a Google Form isn’t your thing, you can look at the questions and copy/adapt them into a format that’s most intuitive for you/your community. You can LOOK at the form here (it won’t be collecting responses, or at least no one will ever actually see them!) and then HERE is where you click if you’d like to make a “copy” that you can alter and/or distribute to your own friends.
A form might seem clinical, but I find that the remove allows people to answer honestly in a way they might not if, say, you were asking them these questions in person. It also helps us move away from the dead-end of “let me know if there’s anything I can do,” which, for various cultural and inter-personal reasons, most often results in no one asking or doing anything.
Please make sure you subscribe to Culture Study if you plan to use that Google Form—and even if you don’t, honestly, because her work is excellent.
Whether you use the Google Form or not, figure out what your version of making a PEG looks like. Make one for yourself, share it with the people you love, and ask them to make one for themselves, too. That way, the next time one of you is going through a tough time, you’ll know exactly how to be there for each other without needing to ask.
Set aside funds for emergency travel
I remember the absolute panic I felt when I got the call that my grandpa was nearing the end and I realized that, fresh out of college, I didn’t have the money to book a last-minute flight. Thankfully, someone in my family (my mom? my brother? it all happened so fast, I can’t remember) took care of the plane tickets that time around and I was able to make it to say goodbye to my sweet Pap. But I knew I never wanted to be in that situation again.
This is not a finance-focused Substack and I am not an expert, but just speaking from my own experience: I highly recommend setting aside a bit of money each month until you’ve got enough saved up to book last-minute travel to your loved ones in case of an emergency. I think that’s called a sinking fund? Maybe? Whatever it’s called, it’s worth having.
How to deal with a long-distance crisis in the moment
Ugh. I hate that I have enough experience with this to be writing out my recommendations for how to handle it, but here we are.
I haven’t lived near my family in Pennsylvania since I graduated from college in 2015. I lived in New York (about a three-hour drive away), followed by North Carolina (a two-hour flight or a seven-hour drive), then Virginia (a one-hour flight or a four-hour drive), and now Amsterdam (a six-hour flight, a layover, and another one-hour flight).
In that time, my family has unfortunately had a lot of emergencies. More ambulance rides, hospital stays, and funerals than many families experience in an entire lifetime, all in less than a decade. I was able to make it home for some of them. But for others, I was stuck wherever I lived at the time, unable to offer support IRL.
So unfortunately, I’ve had to learn how to handle family emergencies from afar—how to be helpful even from a distance, how not to add to the stress of what’s happening wherever they are, and how not to totally lose my mind wherever I am.
Use their PEG
If you’ve already got their Personal Emergency Guide on hand, use it!
This sounds obvious now, but when you’ve just learned that someone you love is in crisis, your brain switches into a panic mode that can oftentimes override logic and simple solutions.
Speak their love language
Even if you don’t have their PEG, you can still offer intentional and personal support in their love language. Better than a generic greeting card signed “best wishes,” for sure. Some examples might look like…
Acts of Service:
Offer to act as a virtual assistant—cancel or reschedule things on their calendar, handle any necessary correspondence with colleagues or clients on their behalf, etc.
Send food so they don’t have to cook for themselves—order it through a delivery service that will drop it off for them, send a virtual gift card they can use to order delivery themselves, set up a food train with others in their area, etc.
Giving & Receiving Gifts:
Send a care package of things you know would bring them comfort—it’s hard to go wrong with tea, candles, or snacks
Buy a bouquet of flowers, some sweet little succulents, or a new potted plant
Physical Touch:
Send something they can squeeze since you’re not there to hold their hand or hug them—a plushie version of their favorite animal, maybe, or even just a stress ball
Give them something soft to the touch, like a pair of cozy socks or a comfy blanket they can wrap themselves up in
Quality Time:
Ask if there’s a good time for you to call or FaceTime to connect with them
If they’re not up for talking, play an online game with them like Words With Friends or Draw Something to spend time “together” as they’re able (and to offer a healthy distraction)
Words of Affirmation:
Find a card that’s appropriate for the situation at hand, write a heartfelt note inside of it, and send it their way (I like to use the website Postable for this)
Send a text, voice note, or video with a supportive message to them
Pick a point person
Whether it’s the person who’s experiencing the emergency or someone close to them, determine who you’ll be able to reach out to for updates about the situation as it progresses.
I’ve been in situations where I was so desperate to know what was going on that I called every person in my family trying to get answers—when in reality, they were all together in the same room getting updates from the doctor and my calls were just distracting them.
I’ve found that it’s way better for all involved if you ask one person to be your point of contact, so long as they agree to send you updates anytime something of note happens until the emergency is resolved. Double-check how they want to communicate (calls? texts? WhatsApp?) and be sure to confirm that they don’t mind if you reach out to them, too, if you have questions, concerns, or anything you want them to share with the person actually in crisis.
Find healthy, interrupt-able distractions
As a triple-A gal (autism, ADHD, and anxiety) I have a tough time not hyper-fixating on a problem when it arises—which means in an emergency, even one I’m not physically present for, my brain can only think about the emergency. And by “think” I mean worry, panic, and catastrophize, which is not helpful for anyone involved.
So once I’ve followed all of the steps outlined above and I’ve helped to the extent that I’m able, I know that I need to find a way to turn the volume down on my anxiety until I get the next update from my point person—but I also know that I want to be immediately available whenever that update comes, which means I need to find distractions that I can easily hit “pause” on.
In a literal sense, the distraction could be a TV show, movie, documentary, comedy special, or podcast that I can pause if and when my phone lights up. Or I could read, or take a walk, or knit, or do any kind of activity that could be interrupted without consequence.
I also want to make sure whatever activity I choose is good for me and my anxious brain in our vulnerable state, so I’m probably not going to be reaching for a bottle of wine or a tub of ice cream.
Here’s a big list of healthy, uplifting distractions. Pick your favorites and jot them down for future reference, because the panicked version of you might not recall them the next time you’re dealing with an emergency.
How to stay connected to loved ones when you live abroad
Phew, we’re past the crisis response part of this post. Now we can just focus on how to stay close with family and friends in general when you live far away from one another—or at least, how I do it.
For those without smartphones
Think: Grandparents, young nieces and nephews, friends who insist on being “off the grid,” or anyone else who may not be a text message away.
Get them a digital photo frame (I got my Nana this one) and send photos to it regularly—or get photos printed and mail ‘em to them every few months
Set up a call or video chat schedule that works for both of you (for example, Mondays at 6 p.m. CET/12 p.m. EST) and stick to it
Put reminders for any special dates they celebrate (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) in your calendar and set reminders to reach out to them about each one
Send snail mail, for those special dates and/or for no reason at all—postcards, little gifts that make you think of them, whatever
Have a plan in place (even a tentative one!) for when your next visit will be, whether you’ll be going to them or they’ll be coming to you
If you can, take a trip together somewhere neither of you live! That makes your time together feel less like a catch-up with a clear end in sight and more like a fun, new experience you’re sharing
From your smartphone
For everyone else who can be reached via smartphone, you’ve got plenty more options to choose from.
Talk about where you’ll connect and about your communication habits to set realistic expectations that work for you both (my friend Mel and I can go weeks at a time without texting each other, or we can text each other back and forth for an entire day, and neither of us minds either way)
If you use iMessage, you can pin your conversation with them to the top of your screen and add a photo of them for an easy visual reminder to reach out regularly (I have my family and my closest friends pinned up there so I see their faces and remember to check in if we haven’t touched base in a while)
Download the Locket app, which lets you send photos to your friends’ home screens and vice versa (my pal Whitney recommended this and I love it when I’m surprised by new photos from her when I unlock my phone)
Consider putting calls and/or video chats on your calendar at regular intervals (my BFF Maria and I have a monthly video chat where we each share a PowerPoint slide with our updates from the past few weeks because we are, obviously, extremely cool)
Between calls and video chats, send updates or just say hi in videos and voice notes that they can watch and/or listen to whenever their schedule and focus allow (my friends Anna, Katie, and I have a group thread where we send updates to each other regularly—not just about the big things going on in our lives, but the mundane stuff, too)
Play online games together (my partner’s aunt and I like to trash-talk each other in the DMs while playing Words With Friends)
Find a TV series or podcast—one that’s currently airing and being released on a regular schedule—that you can both keep up with and chat about together (my pal Victoria and I do this with each new season of Drag Race)
Send each other virtual gifts once in a while (my oldest friend Abby has been known to randomly send me a $5 Venmo to treat myself to coffee or a drink on her)
Make each other playlists or share albums that you’re listening to (my buddy Haley made me a playlist called “Beer” that I listen to pretty much anytime I’m out having a beer by myself)
Send each other memes, TikToks, or anything else that makes you think of one another and smile (my friend Ali and I have a thread of exchanged TikToks so long it borders on unhinged)
How do you stay close to the people you love who live far away from you?
If you have any other suggestions for meaningful ways to stay connected with loved ones from afar, I’d love to hear them—and I’m sure anyone else who lives abroad (or who’s in any kind of long-distance relationship) would, too.